You ask me if I see a future with him, and I say no. You say its not worth it then, and I stop answering.
I cant have a future with him. Im on borrowed time.
So no, I dont think you understand.. Or maybe you do, but have forgotten. I think youve forgotten how it felt when it felt like he doesnt love you back. When all you had was illusions and your imagination. When the most you could do was wonder helplessly. When all you had was limitations and uncertainty and nothing at all.
When all you had was friendship and even that, was hazy.
Yes, I think youve forgotten.
Because if you have not, then you wont do this to me.
You wouldnt ask me to try to tell you how much its worth, you wouldnt tell me its worthless, he’s worthless, just because this is all I could have.
You wouldnt ask me to choose, or turn away once I do. You wouldve understood that I chose him because I thought no matter how wrong, you will always be there for me and he wont.
You wouldnt have told me that what I did was unforgivable because it will make me feel that its wrong to try to fight. Because it will tell me that now, how you look at me will always be affected by that night. Because it will show me that if in case he makes me cry, I cant find comfort with you.
You wouldnt have told me that we differ because you love your guy and he loves you back and even though you are at odds now, you are still certain of a future with him, while I am not. Because you will only add to the breaking of my heart. Because it will show me that you have something that I dont have, will never have with this guy. Because it will feel like a physical slap, not meant to wake me up but meant to deliberately hurt me.
You wouldnt have told me that there are others out there because I can tell you now that they are all the same. So screw them.
You wouldnt have told me to just be patient and it will come, because I am not waiting anymore. Because I have had my heart broken one too many times and I see in your eyes that you dont believe it touches me simply because those guys are not The One.
You wouldnt have told me that He will come at the right time and everything will be alright with the world. Because youre wrong. Because after everything, I can never believe that he will still find me.
You wouldnt have.
So I dont need to tell you that, that night when youre all asleep, I have never felt so shattered so I cried all over again. Because the only people whom I thought knew me enough to atleast understand, didnt. Worse, they made me feel so wrong.
I dont need to tell you that I couldnt, wouldnt, explain because I atleast knew you enough to guess that you wont accept my reason.
I dont need to tell you that I have long accepted that I wont have that fairy tale. Because my heart is too broken, too damaged by people who cant love me too and by those who refuses to understand me.
I dont need to tell you again that I chose to be with him because im on borrowed time.
Because you wont accept it and because, once, you might have understood, but you have forgotten.
So I wont tell you.